„In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit“.
Well, I’m one of them and I’m sharing with you my life story. I’m the true hero of the saga as I destroyed the ring. Hopefully, after these memoirs, we can clean up my name so I can enjoy some Precious perks in this bitter afterlife.
As a Hobbit, I was a hard-working one. My overall resume contains just a minor flaw of strangling my boring cousin Deagol, who was rude enough to deny me my birthday gift. What a cheap asshole he was.
I took the ring, yes. Because it belonged to me. It was mine. My precious. The stupid folks that lived in those filthy little holes started to avoid me. They named me “Gollum” and I bit their legs because they were raw and wriggling. After a while, my grandma banned me from our home. Truly a sad story. At that time there were no ngo’s that protect grandsons from crazy old bats, so I was forced to find a new home. My Precious and I lived in a king-size cave, quite a luxury all-inclusive accommodation in Misty mountains!
WE had our own private stream and I ate fish every day. I invented the Raw & wriggling diet program – no carbs, no sugar, no tasty little shit, just raw food. Centuries later some THIEEEFS invented the raw food diet program and made millions. We should eat them whole. Sometimes on Sunday, I had smaller goblins. They didn’t need their legs but after chopping them off, the flesh would rot quickly. So I ate them whole. I was a pure muscle, no fat.
Anyway, I had an amazing life for nearly 500 years. I had the One ring. But just like in any relationship, things can get boring. So my love abandoned me. I cried. I was in despair. I realized there was no life for me without Precious, so I went on a quest to find it. I traveled light.
I felt lucky to stumble upon my next supper. Baggins they called him. Just like my Precious, he was lost. I promised to help him after some riddles in the dark. His legs looked raw and wriggling to me. Since I always did pretty well with riddles I thought Baggins can only lose.
But the little THIEF got me confused and escaped with my Precious. How could I know what he has in his pocketsess? See dear readers – Baggins is a filthy thief later called Hero and WE who destroyed Sauron are hated by all. NOBODY LIKES YOU – I KNOW!
To be continued …