Middle Earth Dating Rules to Rule Them All

Middle Earth is full of war, bloodshed, and history, but what about love? Can you find love hiding somewhere between The Shire and Sauron’s Mordor? Or are you going to find yourself on a hopeless quest for romance? Remember though if you’re looking for real commitment don’t ask for a ring, that can get complicated fast.

If you want to understand the problems of commitment, just look at what happens when Elves dates Humans. Like Faramir and Eowyn or Aragon and Arwen, you hit the question that Elves are near immortal and human beings well they aren’t So for a human being what’s an extended romance and commitment that lasts a lifetime. For an Elf, human marriage is little more than a70-year extended date, at which point the human dies, and they get back on with their lives. Of, their kids, were going to school, they may start checking out their kid’s classmates for what happens in a decade or three? Still, if you’re a human, you don’t need to worry about your spouse cheating on you. Why bother? You’re going to be gone in under a century. Which in Elven terms would be sneaking off from a date between the desert and coffees. Of course according to Tolkien himself.

Part of the reason that humans and Elves persist in this impractical romance is there aren’t many other romances. For example, if you wanted to check out Dwarves, they’re the ultimate gold diggers, but unfortunately, that’s the only romance that they’re interested in. When Thorin and his companions surprise Bilbo, it’s an all-male party of Dwarves, and the single booty they’re seeking is buried treasure. In fact, in the various books, there seem to be very few females Dwarves, Gimli rants about them at one point but we never actually get to see them. Probably a Dwarven romance involves a life long commitment to the guy Dwarf finding treasure and the female Dwarf staying home and defending it. Or perhaps there are more female Dwarves, but we don’t recognize them. Behind short muscle, beards (fake or otherwise) and plenty of chainmail, it may be challenging to tell.

Oddly enough for a mythical medieval kingdom, with magic and ancient ways and certainly no internet nevermind Grindr. Then one group who seems to be well taken care of are LGBQTA+ communities. Because there’s a saying in Middle Earth, “The Shire is Fire!” While the Shire may have plenty of female Hobbits, few of them seem to get the urge to go “adventuring.” While Frodo, Sam, Bilbo, and their friends go off on quests. And despite being surrounded by some of the beautiful human and Elven women never get their heads turned.

As for Orcs, they seem to be the victim of some appalling racism. With Tolkien writing about how if they were allowed to mate with humans, they would bring them down to their level (Tolkien’s prejudices may have been more welcome in the more Christian Narnia). So maybe the great wars that tore apart Middle Earth were just because the Elves and High born humans had a beef about blended, human and Orc families. It wasn’t about a ring; it was about intolerance that was the real dragon sleeping on a big pile of treasure.
So in conclusion, if you find yourself in Middle Earth on a quest for romance, be open-minded and tolerant. The most accepting and understanding people the Humans and Orcs seem to have plenty of fun. And if you want a party maybe head down to the Shire for Gandlaf’s annual firework party.


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